This next topic has been an annual head scratcher…
a conundrum… a riddle… a quandary… a…
“A whodunit?!”
Well… not really…
“Oh, you already know who did da whodunit? Was it Houdini?”
…
…
Uuuuhh… heh?
“Stop yer stallin’! Was it or wasn’t it Harry Houdini who did da whodunit?!”
Uh… whooooooa… and suuuuuure… Blame it on a dead guy.
“Aha! Blame IT?! What’sssss IT?!”
…
…
I dunno.
“Well, good luck tryin’ to catch him. He’s a slippery fella.”
Like I said… suuuuuure… So… Back to the topic…
Whichever extreme you teeter on the teeter-totter when it…
“Was it Peter’s Papa Teeter whose tot teetered about the teeter-totter?!”
…
Oh brother. His needle is stuck. Let’s get this over with…
Buuuutt… was Peter’s Papa Teeter’s tot eating tasty tater tots on top of the teeter-totter?
“No, moron. Peter’s Papa Teeter totally don’t allow tater tot eatin’ on top a-da teeter-totter.”
So what you’re saying… is… that… Peter and the tot are brothers?
…
…
…
Okay VOR, blink before your eyes cross.
…
…
“Whoa, good advice 3D. But now why do I smell smoke?”
…
…
Why are you smelling your cap…? Uuuhh… May I continue…?
“Go on witchya not-so-bad self. I’m goin’ to stick my head in the freezer for a few seconds.”
Why…?
“‘Cause any longer and I’ll get brain freeze or at least freezer brain-burn ya dodo.”
No, I meant… wait… brain freeze? Don’t you have to have a… a…
“A ‘what’?!”
Uh… a… a timer… to see how long your head’s been in there?
“All I gotta do is count to ten, Stein-to-the-Ein! If I run outta fingers, I got toes for backup.”
…
…
So…!
Whether you’re of the ILK…
who EMBRACES each PIECE of HUMANITY… that PUZZLES TOGETHER an NFL PLAYER’S MAKEUP…
from INSIDE the UNIFORM… to UNDER the HELMET…
…From MEMORIZING a distinct feature on their FACE…
to KNOWING their BIRTH TIME and PLACE…
…From FOLLOWING their every OFFERING on SOCIAL MEDIA…
to having CONTRIBUTED to their WIKIPEDIA…
“What’d I miss? Sounds like you got green eggs and ham goin’ on in here.”
OR…!
You BALANCE the APPARATUS from the TOTTER SIDE…
and you CONSIDER the NAMES on the back of EVERY JERSEY…
to be NOTHING MORE than SEPARATE BRANDS…
OPERATING in ATHLETIC UNISON… UNDER the UMBRELLA of your CHOSEN AFFILIATION…
“…ella… ella… ella…”
…
…
“Jus’ sayin’… or sing-songin’.”
YOUR TYPE envisions each MOVING PART on the FIELD…
as a CARICATURE…
RANGING in CARTOONISH SIMILARITY from BULLDOZER to GAZELLE…
from MECHANICALLY POWERFUL to GUMBY GRACEFUL…
from FLESHY to MUSCLEBOUND…
or any COMBO… MIX… BLEND of the above…
Each BRAND its own RARE ENTITY of…
SIZE, STRENGTH and SPEED…
…And whether your THRONE is a STADIUM SEAT… or your COMFORTABLE HOME RECLINER…
YOUR TYPE BELIEVES…!
an NFL GAME… EXISTS FOR YOUR…! YOUR…! YOUR…! ENTERTAINMENT ONLY…!
and you PERCEIVE these GAMEDAY PERFORMANCES…
as NOTHING…! MORE…!
than a MEANS…! to FEED…! your GLUTTONOUS NEED…! for VICTORY GREED!!
“Aha! Sam I Am musta done da whodunit! Harry’s off the hook.”
…
So to drive this setup home…
“It’s about time. And not that you ever take the fastest route back. Jus’ sayin’… this time without the sing-songin’.”
…
Whether you TRULY… GENUINELY… SINCERELY… CARE…!
about the PLAYER who REPRESENTS your TEAM’S UNIFORM…
or you’re LAUNDRY-CENTRIC… that is, you…
ROOT FOR THE UNIFORM…! RE…! GARD…! LESS…! WHO WEARS IT…!
“And it’s like you’re always gettin’ stuck in traffic — on purpose!”
EACH SIDE…!
HAS ENOUGH AT STAKE…!
TO FEEL AS…!
EQUALLY IMPASSIONED…!
AS THEIR COUNTERPARTS…!
WHEN IT COMES TO…!
AN INJURED PLAYER ON THE FIELD!!!
“So this is about how two sides react to a player on the fritz? Let’s have a ‘for instance’.”
Sure…
One side would react to typical game action like this…:
’STAY SAFE…!’
‘GET DOWN…!’
‘DON’T GET HURT…!’
‘LEAVE MY BABY ALONE…!’
“Like a worrywart of a mother at her son’s first high school game!”
Exactly…!
And when there IS an injury… no matter how minor…
SCREAMS and GASPS ABOUND!
“Uh oh, Mom’s gonna freak out!”
That’s right… Fans like Mom prioritize by thinking…
Safety first… Safety second… Safety… well, you see where this is going… Right VOR…?
…
…
VOR…
“What…?”
You see where this is going, right?
“Yeah, the mom’s kid scored a safety. Big whoop — two points. I’ll be impressed when he’s pick sixin’ some scores.”
…
Glad to see you’re paying attention.
“Sure. Sure. I’ll focus even better when I figure out why there’s a hole on top of my cap.”
…
…
On the other end… others react to an injury… with similar intensity… but…
with… little… to… no…
COMPASSION…!
LIKE THEIR ‘INVESTMENT’…!
HAS JUST BETRAYED THEM…! IN A NUMBER OF WAYS…!
Like…:
‘THERE GOES MY FANTASY SEASON…!’
‘I CAN’T BELIEVE MY TEAM WASTED A 2ND ROUND PICK ON THIS STIFF…!’
‘GET UP YOU BUM…!’
‘THERE GOES THIS MONTH’S MORTGAGE PAYMENT…!’
“Where you goin’ with this teeter-totter tater head?”
WHERE I’M GOING WITH THIS IS…!
WHERE I JUST WENT WITH IT!!
…I’M TAKING TWO VASTLY DIFFERENT APPROACHES…!
TWO POLAR OPPOSITE REACTION TYPES…!
TO AN INJURED PLAYER ON THE FIELD…!
AND POINTING OUT…! THAT BOTH SIDES…!
ARE DARNED NEAR EQUALLY EMOTIONALLY INVESTED…!
TO SEE THAT INJURED PLAYER GET TENDED TO…!
PROPERLY!!!!
AND IF EACH OPPOSITE END IS FULL OF FERVOR…!
THEN SO MUST BE…!
EVERYBODY IN BETWEEN!!
“Or the teeter-totter wouldn’t balance! Adding one tater tot on either side would flip Peter’s Papa’s teeter-totter!”
Well… sure! Why not!
“Case closed on the whodunit!”
Really…? You thought I was agreeing with…?
“Whatta ya mean?! Are you trying to tell me that Peter’s Papa…?!”
No! No! What am I thinking?! You solved the whodunit VOR! Brain chill and all!
“Lucky for this mystery, I was able to count to ten.”
SO THERE IT IS…!
BY DEDUCTIVE REASONING…!
EVERY FAN HAS A SELFLESS…! OR SELFISH…! OR SOMEWHERE-IN-BETWEEN MIX OF THE TWO…!
…EMOTION-LADEN APPROACH…! AN AGENDA FOR AN INJURED PLAYER…!
THEY HAVE AN EMOTIONAL CONNECTION TO…!
TO BE TENDED TO AS EXPEDITIOUSLY AS POSSIBLE!
AND SINCE TEAM OWNERSHIP SHOULD BE…!
ABSOLUTELY…! NO…!! DIFFERENT…!!!
WHY DOESN’T THE NFL…?!
SIMPLY…?!
…
…
START THE BLEEPIN’ CART?!?!
…
…
WHY ARE PLAYERS THAT GET INJURED AFTER A PLAY…?!
OFTEN HOBBLING OR LIMPING TO THE SIDELINE…?!
WITHOUT ASSISTANCE?!?! AND…!
WHY DOESN’T THE TEAM’S MEDICAL STAFF…?!
DRIVE…?!
INSTEAD OF…
SPRINT…?!
UPON BEING GIVEN THE GO-AHEAD…
TO MAKE THE TREK TO TEND TO THE DISTRESSED PLAYER?!
“You didn’t have a better topic to rant about?”
EXACTLY…! I FEEL THE SAME WAY…!
I WOULD MUCH RATHER MOVE ON TO ADDRESS THE UPCOMING…!:
CONTINUING PROBLEMS WITH GOALPOSTS…! (#94)
THE SO VERY OUTDATED T-FORMATION…! (#83)
THE DEPTH AND GENIUS IN ONE, HARSH AND BLUNT COMMENT MADE BY BUDDY RYAN DECADES AGO…! (#88)
THE ABSOLUTE ABSURDITY OF HOW A CURRENT RULE…!
ALLOWS A QB TO SCORE POINTS FOR HIS TEAM BY THROWING AN INTERCEPTION…! (#89)
…AND I’D RATHER SOONER THAN LATER GET TO…!
THE UNDER-UTILIZED PUMP FAKE…! (#57)
THE MANY LAYERS OF NONSENSE REGARDING ‘INTENTIONAL GROUNDING’…! (#60)
THE MAGIC OF 32…! (#43)
“Why didn’t you make that topic #32?”
…
…
Darn it!
…AND FURTHER DOWN THE LINE, GET TO…!:
THE CONTINUED RIDICULOUSNESS OF OVERTIME RULES…! (#3)
and get a load of this one…:
HOW A REFEREE’S ATHLETIC ABILITY CAN BE THE DIFFERENCE…!
WHETHER A TEAM WINS A SUPER BOWL OR NOT!! (#4)
“Whoa. I definitely gotta hear about that one.”
SO WHILE I WISH THIS ISSUE TO BE A NON-ISSUE…!
AND BE SWEPT UNDER THE RUG…!
IT MUSN’T BE…! BECAUSE…!
GAME IN AND GAME OUT…! FOR DECADES…!
PLAYER INJURIES ON THE FIELD…!
HAVE BEEN INEFFICIENTLY HANDLED!!
…AND BY THE WAY…!
WHAT IS IT ABOUT THE RAMPANT EGO IN THE NFL…?!
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY CASES…?! (#100 HASH MARKS THE SPOT and more to follow)
WHERE HUMANS ARE PERMITTED TO STRUGGLE TO DO JOBS…?!
THAT MACHINES CAN DO MUCH MORE EFFICIENTLY…?!?!
THERE ARE…
“That’s pretty racist Triple D.”
…
…
HEH…?
“Yeah. Sounds like you got beef with the human race. Humans are people too, ya know. Your sensitivities to the struggles of humanity seem unhumanly inhumane.”
…
…
Uuuuuuhhh… HEH?!
…
…
Oh, I see what you… No, I’m only trying to… I meant that… ya know… it’s… well… it’s all about… uh…
“There, there now. See? You’re strugglin’ likes the rest of us from this planetarium. You are a human, and I, a fella, a fellow and a fellow human, am here for you.”
…
Really?
“Not really. I think my head needs a few more seconds in the freezer. I’ll be back.”
…
…
AND THEN…!
WHEN MAKING THE FIRST ATTEMPT…!
TO PUT ANY WEIGHT ON AN INJURED… ANKLE…! KNEE…! HIP…! ETC…!
WHEN VENTURING TO THE SIDELINE BECOMES AN OVERWHELMING STRUGGLE…!
WHEN IT’S OBVIOUS AGONY FOR THE INJURED PLAYER…!
HE EITHER ATTEMPTS TO MAKE THE OFTEN ALL-TOO-SLOW JOURNEY TO THE SIDELINE…!
OR HE MAY…! EVENTUALLY…!
BE ASSISTED TO THE SIDELINE…!
BY THESE TWO OR FEW SPRINTING MEDICAL STAFFERS…!!
WHO SHOULD HAVE REALIZED TO SIMPLY…!
START…! THE…!! CART!!!
…AND DOESN’T IT LOOK RIDICULOUS WHEN TWO GUYS COMBINED…!
OFTEN BARELY EQUAL THE WEIGHT OF THE PLAYER THEY’RE ATTEMPTING TO CARRY?!
“Yeah, that’s hilarious! One time it looked like they almost get lost in this player’s armpits. It looked like the player had crutches with moving feet on the bottom. Silly humans. See 3D? ‘Silly humans’ is playful — not racist.”
Whatever.
SO AS ENTERTAINING AS IT MAY BE…! FOR SOME TO WATCH THE STRUGGLE…!
OF TWO 160 LBERS HELPING A 350 LB LINEMAN OFF THE FIELD…!
…IS THAT SMIDGEN OF ENTERTAINMENT VALUE FOR A SELECT FEW…?!
WORTH A MULTIPLE MINUTE GAME DELAY FOR ALL?!
“The human crutches with feet definitely was!”
SO, I SUGGEST…!
JUST…!
START…!!
THE CART!!!
“What is this ‘cart’ you speak of?”
An AWESOME… FULLY CUSTOM CART…! AN UPDATED VERSION OF THE MODEL THEY USE NOW…!:
…FULLY STOCKED…! LONGER…! WIDER…! SMOOTHER RIDING…! COMFORTABLE YET PRACTICAL…! COVERABLE LIKE A CONVERTIBLE…!
“Sounds like the NFL’s version of the Pope-mobile.”
…AS SOON AS A REFEREE DETERMINES A PLAYER IS DOWN…!
HE BLOWS HIS WHISTLE…!
LET’S THE PLAYER KNOW THAT MEDICS ARE ON THE WAY…!
AND SIMPLY SUMMONS THE CART TO THE FIELD!
JUST LOOK AT ALL THE BENEFITS FOR THE…!
INJURED PLAYERS…! NON-INJURED PLAYERS…! COMPASSIONATE FANS…! SELF-SERVING FANS…! EVEN THE MEDICS…!:
“Don’t forget about the degenerates.”
VOR…!
“What?! All I’m saying is that money that’s set aside for mortgage payments shouldn’t be messed with because of a hunch.”
Well… can’t argue with that advice… SO…! FIRST…!:
BECAUSE THE MEDICS WOULD GET TO THE INJURED PLAYER FASTER BY DRIVING INSTEAD OF RUNNING…!
THE INJURED PLAYER GETS MORE IMMEDIATE MEDICAL ATTENTION!
AND…!
THE MEDICS DEFINITELY WON’T BE OUT OF BREATH TO DO THEIR VITAL JOB IF THEY’RE OUT OF SHAPE…!
AND…!
THE INJURED PLAYER NOW HAS TRANSPORTATION…!
…HE DOESN’T HAVE TO HOBBLE OR LIMP TO THE SIDELINE, POTENTIALLY RISKING FURTHER DAMAGE TO THE INJURY!
AND…!
THE PLAYERS READY TO RESUME PLAY DON’T HAVE TO STAND AROUND AS LONG AND TIGHTEN UP!
AND…!
THE GAME RHYTHM AND MOMENTUM GETS LESS AFFECTED!
AND…!
THE GAME WON’T LAST AS LONG…!
AS FANS AND VIEWERS WOULD BE SPARED TO SIT THROUGH AN UNNECESSARY EXTENDED DELAY!!
…AND WHAT’S THE DOWNSIDE…?! A FALSE ALARM…?!
…THE INJURED PLAYER ABRUPTLY GETS TO HIS FEET AND DOESN’T NEED THE CART…? SO BLEEPIN’ WHAT!
THE CART…! SIMPLY DRIVES BACK TO THE SIDELINE!!
“But if the ref called the cart because the player was down, doesn’t the player have to sit out a play even if he’s okay.”
You are correct VOR. SO NOW…! THAT PLAYER HAS A RIDE TO THE SIDELINE…!
HE’S SPARED ONE LEG OF THE ROUND TRIP TO RETURN TO THE FIELD!!
…HE SAVES SOME FUEL IN HIS TANK BY HITCHIN’ A RIDE!!
“You’re goin’ ballistic. I think you should try the freezer thing to cool off a little.”
Nah, I’m okay. I can keep it goi…
“CART! CART! HEY KITCHEN! START THE BLEEPIN’ CART!”
Good one…
Now, while such an implementation would work great for sprained ankles… knee injuries… cramps, etc….
of course… more severe injuries like concussions… or neck injuries… would require more attention.
BUT AT LEAST…!
THE CART WILL ARRIVE FASTER IN THOSE CASES TOO!
… AND FOR MANY OF THE MORE MINOR INJURIES THAT TAKE PLACE, THE GAME CAN BENEFIT…!
IN AT LEAST ALL THE ABOVE WAYS!
WHY IS THIS SO COMPLICATED…?! OBSERVE HOW SIMPLE THIS CAN BE…:
DRIVE OUT…!
THE PLAYER ENTERS OR IS ASSISTED ONTO THE CART…!
DRIVE BACK TO THE SIDELINE…!
WHILE ALREADY TENDING TO THE INJURED PLAYER!!
And if you want it spoon-fed, sounding like a classic nursery rhyme…:
CART BE READY…!
CART BE QUICK…!
“Cart jump out to the injured player at CANDLESTICK!”
That’d be perfect if Candlestick was still around, but that’s definitely the gist.
“Nah, perfect would be if we got some stage time for ‘nimble’.”
Even so, I think we got the point across…
So why isn’t this always done…?
IS THERE NOT SUFFICIENT BUDGET FOR SUCH A CART…?!
…
…
…
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
“BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
“That was a good one, 3D.”
Yeah… Tee-hee… thanks for sharing a laugh with me VOR.
“Okay, Mayor McSappy, move it along.”
A-hem. Right…!
THE ONLY RATIONALE I COULD MUSTER…!
FOR THE NFL NOT IMPLEMENTING A MORE EFFICIENT SYSTEM…!
SUCH AS THE ONE JUST PROPOSED…!
WOULD BE THE DEEP-SEEDED… THE WIDELY PERCEIVED…!
‘ROUND-THE-CLOCK… KNOW-NO-LIMITS… NO-REVENUE-STREAM-TOO-POLLUTED-TO-DIVE-IN…
GREEDY GREENBACK GRAB!!
…
IS THE NFL’S SEEMINGLY LOOK-THE-OTHER-WAY STANCE…!
REGARDING FIELD-HOBBLERS…!
REVENUE RELATED…?!
IS IT ALL ABOUT SQUEEZING IN SOME ADDITIONAL TV COMMERCIALS?!
IF SO…!
WHY DOES THERE SEEM TO BE AN ANNUAL DISCUSSION…?!
ON WAYS TO SHORTEN GAMES?!
HEY NFL…!
FIND AN ALTERNATE WAY TO ADD ADS!!
GET TO AN INJURED PLAYER…! FASTER…!
FOR HIS SAKE…! THE OTHER PLAYERS’ SAKE…! FOR THE FANS’ SAKE…! FOR THE GAME’S SAKE…!
“And for Pete’s sake, NFL! Why can’t you…? Oh, hey, and for Peter’s Papa Teeter’s sake. And for the tot’s sake. And for Harry Hou—”
Nope! Gotta go… Gotta go…! GOTTA GO!!
“Hey, finally a quick ride home. Oh, I get it. You musta got lost.”
Let’s just say, however we get to wherever we end up…
we’ve got a long way to go!
So time to move on from speed bumps disguised as mysteries like… ‘who done ate… Houdini’s… donut?’
“Hey, great question! Let’s go check by the teeter-totter!”
HIT IT VOR!
“NEEEEEEXT!
****
COMING UP: #96 THE FIELDTURF ISN’T ALWAYS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE.
NFL 101 