Coming soon!
Monthly Archives: August 2014
#92. THERE’S NO POINT!
Coming soon!
#93. THIS IS STAGGERING!
Welcome RACE FANS to ANOTHER INSTALLMENT of the WEEKLY MAD DASH…
with EACH and EVERY HORSE in HOT PURSUIT of the REAL…! FINISH…! LINE…!:
the COVETED LOMBARDI TROPHY.
…
And THEY’RE OFF…!
Coming out of the gates with the early lead is LionPack…
…
…
Around the first turn…
RavenEagle is now in front…
with the mild-mannered, inaptly named ColtBronc just a half-length behind…
…
Don’t look now but JagPat is gaining fast…
…
And DOWN THE STRETCH THEY COME…!
TitanJet is about to…
“Uh, cuckoo bird… Have you totally lost it? You’re pretending to announce a horse race.”
Actually, I’m describing how it feels…
AT THE START…!
OF THE EARLY SLATE…!
OF SUNDAY NFL GAMES!!
“So… what, you’re combining the two? Like picturing Peyton Manning run around a horse track? Wait, no, that’d take awhile —would definitely be must-not-see-tv. Now watching him throw to a horse? I’d pay to see that! WOW! ‘Clyde S. Dale takes the hitch pass, makes one move… and he’s off to the races… but here comes Mr. Ed breathin’ down his neck!”
Very cool… but not quite what I was getting at…
Instead…
IT’S STAGGERING TO ME…!!
WHY EARLY SUNDAY NFL GAMES…!!
ARE…!! NOT…!! STAGGERED!!
“Oh, there goes that wordplay thing again.”
IF YOU’RE AT A SPORTS BAR…!
OR…!
FROM THE COMFORTS OF HOME…! HAVE ACCESS TO MULTIPLE GAMES ON TELEVISION(S)…!
OR FOLLOWING ON MY PREFERRED SITE…: THE WEB’S YAHOO GAMECHANNEL…!
YOU WOULD HAVE NOTICED…!
THAT SUNDAY NFL GAMES ARE SERVED…!
WITH A SERIOUS SENSE OF URGENCY…! LUNACY…!
AND A HEAPING SIDE OF MANIC!!
I CAN BEST DESCRIBE THE NO-GAMES EXTREME FROM ONE MOMENT…!
TO THE EXPLOSION-OF-GAMES EXTREME JUST SECONDS LATER AS…! AS…!
SIMULTANEOUS BOMBARDMENT!!
“Sounds like cave-couple erotica.”
Wh…wha…what?!
“Not sure.”
Okay then…
…AND I’M HERE TO SAY…!
HEY NFL…! AS THE KIDS LIKE TO SAY…!
SLOW YOUR ROLL!!
“The kids USED TO say that. That means you’re REALLY old.”
…
What kind of silly logic is…? How do you even know how…? Aarrgghh…! Whatever!
“No, it’s ‘what-eva’! C’mon, get with the program old man.”
Oh, and ‘what-eva’ isn’t passé? Besides, I’d like to say that ‘I’m aged’. And aren’t you’re older than me?
“Ooh, I think with ‘what-eva’, I’m supposed to snap with sass or somethi… Hey! Have some respect for your elders! I’m old… eh… ‘ ageder’ than you!”
Okay, okay. Let’s move on. Where were we…?
“Something about a horse running for a touchdown… and then meeting this raunchy couple… who flew in from their time machine… from 200 years ago… I dunno.”
Your cave people? From 200 years ago? Really…? And what was their pet dinosaur’s name?
“Uh… they wanted a pet dinosaur, but the laws back then wouldn’t allow it. Ha!”
…
…
FOR REASONS I JUST CAN NOT UNDERSTAND…!
DURING JUST ABOUT EVERY NFL REGULAR SEASON WEEK…!
AT LEAST HALF OF THE 16 MAXIMUM GAMES…!
KICK OFF…!
AT 1PM EASTERN TIME!!
“So… What’s your problem with 1pm?”
MY ISSUE ISN’T WITH 1PM…!
IT’S THE FACT THAT SUCH A LARGE PERCENTAGE…!
OF ALMOST EVERY WEEK’S GAMES…!
START AT…!
THE SAME…!
EXACT…!
@#$%&*…!
TIME!!!
…AND IT FEELS JUST LIKE WATCHING A HORSE RACE…!
WHERE ALL OF THE GATES OPEN IN UNISON…!
WITH EACH HORSE FEVERISHLY SPRINTING AHEAD…!
AND THOUGH NO TWO HORSES CROSS THE FINISH LINE AT THE EXACT SAME TIME…!
THEY ALL CROSS WITHIN SECONDS OF EACH OTHER!!
“So if horse racing has schedules like that too, what’s the big deal?”
WHAAAAAT…?! NO…!!
THE HORSES ARE ALL COMPETING AGAINST EACH OTHER…!
IN ONE RACE…!
SO… DUH…! THEY HAVE TO RACE AT THE SAME TIME!
“Did you just ‘duh’ me, dummy?”
I’M NOT EQUATING THE HORSES IN A RACE…!
WITH THE PLAYERS IN A GAME!
BUT RATHER…!
I’M EQUATING THE HORSES IN A RACE…!
WITH THE GAMES IN THE SCHEDULE…!
…WHERE EACH HORSE EQUALS A GAME…!
AND I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO DO THAT BECAUSE…!
THE COMPETITION IS WITHIN…!
WITHIN…! WITHIN…! WITHIN…!
EACH SINGULAR NFL GAME…!
…NOT AGAINST THE OTHER GAMES!!
…SO WHAT’S THIS NEED TO START MOST OF THESE SUNDAY GAMES AS IF THEY’RE JOINED AT THE HIP…?!?!:
CONVENIENCE…?!
TRADITION…?!
SYMMETRY…?!
FEEDING THE FIGURATIVE FAT FACE OF OUR TOO OFTEN TOO GREEDY AND GLUTTONOUS INSTANT GRATIFICATION CULTURE?!?!
“What’s that about?”
HAVING TO HAVE IT ALL…!
ALL AT ONCE…!
ALL THE TIME!!
“I knew what you meant. I meant your impassioned tirade makes me think you need a chaise to lounge on while I put on my make-me-look-smart-glasses and pretend to listen to your deepest suppressions and most importantly, bill you at a rate of $375/hour.”
$375…?
“Hey, it’s my face-needin’-feedin’ culture too ya know!”
…
…
“Oh, and my apologies, but there’s no credit for a short visit. We round up.”
‘We’…?!
“Si. And no extra charge for answering your French with my French.”
…
“Tell your friends. Come again.”
…
…
Woooooow… Aaaaaaanyway…
Starting most of every week’s games at the same time is like…
FREEZING TRAFFIC LIGHTS ON RED…!
EVERYWHERE…!
MAKING ANTSY DRIVERS WAIT IT OUT…!
AND THEN…! SUDDENLY…!
FLIPPING ALL OF THE LIGHTS BACK…! AND FREEZING THEM ON GREEN!!
“That would be awesome!”
Really? You’d want to drive in chaos?
“No, but as a barricaded, stay-on-the-sidewalk pedestrian with a lawn chair, binoculars and a thermos — oh yeah.”
…
Oh brother…
…
STARTING SO MANY NFL GAMES AT ONCE…!
IS LIKE SCARFING DOWN A GOURMET MEAL…!
instead of s-l-o-w-i-n-g… dooooown…
AND SAVORING THE FLAVORS!!
“And helping out your digestionarial processes.”
YES! Well… almost.
Here’s another one…:
IMAGINE IF A SCROOGE-LIKE MAYOR ANNOUNCED THAT HALLOWEEN WOULD FOREVER CHANGE…!
…THAT A NEWLY IMPOSED TOWN CURFEW…!
WOULD FORCE ALL YOUNG TYKE TRICK-OR-TREATERS…!
TO BE DONE MAKING THEIR ROUNDS…!
BY 5:15PM.
“Whoa! Most of the neighborhood’s candy-giver-outers would still be stuck in rush hour traffic! That mayor better egg-proof his house on Mischief night with that nonsense. Anyway, where’re you going with this, 3D? You’re all over the place with horses, curfews, politics, Halloween candy, erotica…”
No, that last one was you. Just stay with me…
…AND SUCH A BUZZKILL OF A SITUATION…!
WOULD FORCE TRICK-OR-TREATERS TO SCRAMBLE TO HOPEFULLY PICK A FEW GOOD NON CANDY CORN GIVING HOUSES…!
AND WOULD DEFINITELY TAKE AWAY FROM THE OVERALL EXPERIENCE AND SATISFACTION OF THE NIGHT…!
THAT THEY’D SO VERY MUCH ANTICIPATED!!
“You think back in the cave times, they sold them kinds of eroticulous magazines in convenience stores?”
…
…
REALIZE THIS…!:
WHEN YOU’RE DRAWN TO A PARTICULAR SETTING TIME AND TIME AGAIN…!
AND THAT SETTING IS FLIPPED ON ITS SIDE…!
OR AT LEAST ALTERED ENOUGH TO BE WAY LESS RECOGNIZABLE…!
ISN’T THERE A REAL CHANCE THAT WHAT ONCE DREW YOU…?!
MAY NO LONGER EXIST?!
…I’M HERE TO ARGUE…!
THAT IF THE NFL ADOPTED A STAGGERED SUNDAY SCHEDULE…!
PROVIDING FANS AN EASIER-TO-SWALLOW DELIVERY SYSTEM…!
FANS WOULD EMBRACE SUCH A NEW STYLE SO MUCH SO…!
THAT IF THE NFL THEN RETURNED TO THE WAY IT IS NOW…!
MANY FANS WOULD…!
“Egg the scroogy’s house?”
…
YES!!
… I’M SAYING THAT FANS JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY’RE MISSING YET…!
BECAUSE THEY’VE NEVER HAD IT!!
THE NFL’S 1PM STAMPEDE…!
FORCES VIEWERS INTO THIS SAME SCRAMBLE…!
THE TRICK-OR-TREATERS HAD TO ENDURE IN THE ABOVE EXAMPLE!
INTENSITY AND NAIL BITING DRAMA SHOULD BE LEFT TO THE GAME ITSELF…!
NOT AS PART OF THE ACT OF TRYING TO FOLLOW ALL OF THE GAME ACTION…!
AND SCRAMBLING TO AVOID THE CANDY CORN GAME!!
“So if I’ve got DirecTV and get all the games, you’re sayin’ I really don’t get all the games.”
ABSOLUTELY…!
“And what’s with all this anti candy corn improperganda?”
ALL YOU’RE REALLY GETTING IS ACCESS TO ANY ONE GAME YOU WANT TO WATCH…!
BUT IF YOU WANT TO AND TRY TO FOLLOW AS MUCH ACTION AS POSSIBLE…!
AT SOME POINT, IT’S INFORMATION OVERLOAD!!
BUT…!
IF GAMES WERE STAGGERED…! SERVED IN LESSER DOSES…!
ABSORBTION RATES WOULD SKYROCKET…!
“Oh, now you’re a skyrocket scientist?”
AND THE SERIOUS FANS WOULD UNDOUBTEDLY HAVE A MORE SATISFYING VIEWING EXPERIENCE!!
…
…
Allow me to repeat myself…
“Then shouldn’t you have said, ‘allow me to allow me to repeat myself’?”
Uh… maybe… I don’t know…
“Yeah, and HE’S the skyrocket scientist!”
SO MANY GAMES AT ONCE…
IS JUST AN ILLUSION OF VARIETY…!
BECAUSE HUMAN LIMITATIONS ONLY ALLOW US TO TRULY FOCUS ON ONE GAME AT A TIME!!
WHILE YOU’RE WATCHING ONE GAME…!
THE OTHER GAMES ARE PASSING YOU BY!!
“Then what WOULDN’T be an ‘illusion of variety’?”
How about going to an ice cream parlor and sampling every single flavor… at your own pace?
“That’s gonna be one fake-smilin’ owner.”
If that ice cream parlor visit was like the way the NFL scheduled games…
as soon as you sampled your first flavor…
THE OTHER FLAVORS WOULD BE PUT FULL BLAST INTO A HIGH-WATT MICROWAVE AND BEGIN TO MELT SO RAPIDLY…!
THAT TO SAMPLE ALL IN THEIR FINEST FORM…!
WOULD NO LONGER BE POSSIBLE!!
“Okay, so with trick-or-treat candy and ice cream parlors, what you’re saying here is that the NFL is promoting cavities and diabetes?”
…
…
Ehhh… Sure, go with that.
“That’s a weird thing to make a point about. And probably fabricationary.”
Okay then, how about this…?:
As far as Regular Seasons go…
EACH…!
NBA team plays 82 games…
EACH…!
MLB team plays 162 games…
but…
THE ENTIRE…!
NFL LEAGUE PLAYS 256 GAMES!!
AND SINCE THAT’S JUST 16 GAMES PER TEAM…!
SHOULDN’T EACH AND EVERY GAME BE SET UP…!
TO GET AS MUCH OF A CAPTIVE AUDIENCE AS POSSIBLE?!?!
…IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK…?!?!
TO SPREAD OUT AND STAGGER THE GAMES MORE…?!?!
SINCE LESS SIMULTANEOUS… uh, SINCE LESS ACTION AT THE SAME TIME…!
WOULD ALLOW FANS TO FOCUS ON INDIVIDUAL GAMES BETTER?!?!
“Oh yeah, at the sports bar, my head does spin. So you’re sayin’ it would spin less, spineless?”
YES!
“That insult flew right over his head. Made easier by his lack of spine.”
IGNOOOORING YOOOOUUU…!
“Shoot yourseeelllf.”
Ya mean, ‘suit yourself’?
“Uhhh, sure… go with that.”
If my previous food example was a served-up…:
MOUTHWATERING SURF & TURF DISH…!
AND JUST AS I WAS ABOUT TO TAKE MY FIRST BITE…!
THE DISH WAS TAKEN AWAY, BLENDED AND RETURNED AS A SMOOTHIE…!
“Wait, would they put the shells in the blender?”
Forget the shells… Focus instead on how much better you’d enjoy the meal full of palate pleasing taste and texture at a slower pace versus…
the same meal served as a not-so-smoothie while forced to chug!
“Whoa, that difference is gonna really affect my tip!”
Now take that scenario and parallel it with how the NFL serves up most of its games at the same time…
“Oh, I see! The NFL serves its Sunday games like a blended and chugged fishmeat smoothie! Ooh, and the trick-or-treaters on a curfew example.”
YES! And how much better the overall experience would be…
IF THE NFL SPREAD OUT ITS SUNDAY GAMES MORE…!
“The sit down, don’t-touch-the-hot-plate deliciousness of a surf & turf meal! And REGULAR Halloween!”
NOW YOU’RE GETTING IT!
“Oh, and it doesn’t seem long ago when there weren’t Thursday night or even Sunday night games. Isn’t that like blending in dessert too?”
“EXACTLY…! THE NFL SCHEDULE USED TO BE EVEN MORE COMPACT!!
“Hey! It’s like the NCAA Basketball Tournament starting the entire slate of Sweet 16 games at the same time!”
CORRECT AGAIN…! But VOR, now you’re doing the same thing Charles Barkley did to me…
“What? …Oh, then take it away 3D! And for you first timers, go to #98 to figure out the Charles Barkley reference. 3D, that’ll be $375 for the shameless plug.”
Ooooo-KAAAAAYY…! HERE GOES…!
“Seriously, you can do payments, but that’ll cost you an extra $250. It’s called a ‘convenience fee’.”
C’MON NFL…!
STOP TWEAKING THINGS…! FIX ‘EM!!
PLEASE JUS-…!
“Hold up. Besides this, what else have they tweaked but not fixed?”
Well that stage you gave me didn’t last very long. And besides, you don’t want to go there right now.
“I’m going. Unless you charge my rates too.”
Well, we already talked about the RIDICULOUSNESS…!
of the POSSIBILITY…!
of ADDING A 7TH PLAYOFF TEAM…! (tweak)
when…
8…!
IS THE ONLY ANSWER THAT DOESN’T DEFY LOGIC! (#101)
…And how the NFL has RAISED the GOAL POSTS BY 5 FEET (tweak)… (#94)
but…
HAVE NOT ELIMINATED POTENTIAL PROBLEM SCENARIOS!
And we’ll SOON talk about how the NFL tweaked REPLAY…
BUT HAS NOT FIXED IT…!
And…
…HOW OVERTIME RULES WERE ALSO TWEAKED BUT NOT FIXED…!!
AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!
But for now…
C’MON NFL…!
GIVE FANS AN ALL DAY SUNDAY SNOWSTORM…!
INSTEAD OF A MAJOR AVALANCHE!!
GIVE FANS AN ALL DAY SUNDAY BUFFET…!
INSTEAD OF A HOT DOG EATING CONTEST!!
HIT US WITH A STEADY SUNDAY SPRAY MIST…!
INSTEAD OF A GATORADE SHOWER!!
ENTERTAIN US WITH A SUNDAY WRESTLING EXTRAVAGANZA…!
WITH A BOUNTY OF TITLE MATCHES…!
INSTEAD OF ONE BATTLE ROYALE!!
“Ooh, that last one gives me an idea that has to do with one of those nudie channels.”
Huh… NO!
“Tee-hee.”
IF IT’S 8… 9… 10 GAMES WITH THE EARLY START…!
THEN 16… 18… OR 20 TEAMS START PLAYING AT THE SAME TIME…!
AND IT’S TIME…!
FOR A CHANGING OF THE TIME… TIMES!!
“It never even crossed my mind to question the way it is. I guess I was just used to it.”
And I’ve always asked…
‘WHY?!’
“But you know what they say: Why ask ‘why’? Try Bud Dry.”
What?
“Uh, ‘drink’ Bud Dry?”
Ssshhhh…!
“You ssshhhh! Then keep talkin’.”
UNLESS YOU LIVE IN HAWAII, WHERE LOCALLY…!
THE ‘EARLY’ SUNDAY SLATE WOULD BEGIN AT 7AM…!
YOUR WHOLE SUNDAY IS MONOPOLIZED ANYWAY…!
“Careful with the ‘m’ word, 3D. The NFL don’t like that.”
Uh… totally different application but… okay…
IF YOU LIVE ANYWHERE IN THE CONTINENTAL UNITED STATES…!
AND IF YOUR PLAN IS TO WATCH WALL-TO-WALL FOOTBALL!
YOUR SUNDAY IS ALL BUT SHOT ANYWAY…!
“Not sure ‘shot’ is good either. The NFL don’t wanna be associated with bullets or alcohol either — unless it’s beer — try Bud Dry.”
…
…
Whaaaaaat?!?! And you think I’VE lost it…?
“No, now I’m thinkin’ you never had it.”
Whatever… I mean — ‘what-eva’… Right…?!
“Hey! Now you’re startin’ to find what you lost… in case you had something… but probably didn’t!”
LET’S DRIVE THIS POINT HOME…!
“Giddyup!”
…with an example pertaining to a Regular Season week with no BYES… 16 games in all…:
There’s a…
Thursday night game… Sunday night game… Monday night game…
…we’re down to dividing 13 games.
“Your math is almost perfect.”
Okay, need a drumroll now…
“Gotchya — boo-ga-da, boo-ga-da, boo-ga-da…”
That’s a strange drumroll but I’ll work with it…
So…
AT NOON EASTERN TIME (ET)…!
that’s right…
ONE HOUR EARLIER THAN WE’RE ALL USED TO…!
…
…
3 GAMES KICK OFF!
“10 games left!”
At 1PM…
ANOTHER 3 GAMES KICK OFF!
“7!”
At 1:30PM…
WITH THE FIRST 3 GAMES PROBABLY AT HALFTIME…!
ANOTHER 3 GAMES KICK OFF!
“10! No, wait, we were just there! 7!”
…
…
“No! Uh, 4! 4 games left!”
We wait a bit as some games near their conclusion…
And at 4:30 (or 4:25 which the NFL seems to prefer)…
2 MORE GAMES KICK OFF!
“We’re down to 2!”
And at 5pm…
the FINAL 2 SUN-DAY GAMES KICK OFF!
The Sunday Night or as I like to say… the SUN-NIGHT NBC game…
could easily move to an 8:45 ET kickoff to avoid overlap…
since they’re the NATIONAL GAME!
And yeah, yeah I get that there are TV contracts involved. And spare me rebuttals regarding…:
pre-game shows…
halftime shows…
advertisers…
network lineups…
blah, blah, blah…
Contracts expire and any other issues have the flexibility to be adjusted. After all…
this proposal calls for about…
AN EXTRA HOUR OF SUNDAY FOOTBALL…!
And we all know what that means…
“Yup, more beer, car and bar food commercials.”
EXACTLY…!
So I’m sure that idea alone will garner some attention…
but… right now… I’m just planting seeds…
because… candidly…
ANY STAGGERING WOULD BE AN IMPROVEMENT…!!!
OVER THE CURRENT MODEL!
Think about it… INSTEAD OF SIMULTANEOUS…!:
HALFTIMES…!
COMMERCIAL BREAKS…!
NAIL BITERS…!
AND ONE BIG TIDAL WAVE OF ACTION…!
THERE’D BE A MUCH SMOOTHER EBB AND FLOW…! EBB AND FLOW…!
And…
THE ABOVE WAS JUST AN EXAMPLE!
…THE REAL BEAUTY IS…!
…THE STAGGERING POSSIBILITIES ARE…!
STAGGERING!
“Like…”
Like, how about…:
STARTING WITH A SINGLE GAME AT NOON ET…?
or TWO GAMES…? THREE GAMES…?
THEN START AN ADDITIONAL GAME EVERY 15 MINUTES…? 20 MINUTES…?
START 2…? 3…? GAMES EVERY HALF HOUR…?
PERSONALLY, I WOULD PREFER SCHEDULING STARTING WITH…
1 GAME AT NOON ET…!
AND A NEW GAME KICKING OFF…!
EVERY…!!
HALF…!!
HOUR!!!
THINK ABOUT IT…!
BY 4:30PM ET…!
GAME #10 KICKS OFF!!
SAN FRANCISCO…? OAKLAND…? SAN DIEGO…? SEATTLE…? A FUTURE LOS ANGELES TEAM OR 2…?
ALL HAVE HOME GAMES ONE PARTICULAR WEEK…? NO PROBLEM…!
THEY WOULD JUST TAKE UP HALF HOUR SLOTS FROM 3PM EST ON…!
AND COULD DOUBLE UP IF NEED BE!
AND HERE’S ANOTHER BENEFIT…!:
THE DREADED ‘JET LAG’ WHEN A WEST COAST TEAM TRAVELS EAST…!
COULD BE LESSENED BY PLACEMENT INTO SOME OF THE LATER SLOTS WHENEVER POSSIBLE!!
And… REALIZE…!
WE’VE BEEN DISSECTING A FULL SLATE OF GAMES…!
BYE WEEKS WOULD MAKE THIS ALREADY EASY SETUP A PIECE OF CAKE…!
AND IF NEED BE, ON PACKED 16 GAME WEEKS…!
DOUBLING UP ONLY 3 HALF HOUR SLOTS WON’T BREAK DOWN THE SETUP…!
THIS SIMPLE…! EFFICIENT…! CLEAN…! DIZZY-FREE…! NEW & IMPROVED SETUP!!
“But there’re a lot of haters out there. They may be opposed to change.”
Nah… haters hate regardless of the presentation. This is for the NFL fan who wants the opportunity to be able to more easily focus on more live action.
“So you’re sayin’ ‘don’t hate the hater, hate the hate…? hate the game?’ Wait, no, ‘hate the hater who hates one o’clock games?’
Wha…? How am I saying any of that?
“How’m I supposed to know? You said it.”
…
…
AGAIN…!
SO MANY WAYS TO SLICE THIS SCHEDULE PIE…!
MAYBE GIVE THE FANS OPTIONS AND ACCEPT THEIR VOTE!!
BUT WHATEVER YOU DECIDE NFL…!
SHARPEN THAT KNIFE…!
AND SLICE…!! SLICE…!! SLICE…!!
BECAUSE THE DAYS WITHOUT MULTIMEDIA ACCESS TO MULTIPLE GAMES…!
IS LONG GONE!
BACK THEN…!
FANS WERE RELEGATED TO WATCH OR LISTEN TO THEIR LOCAL GAME(S)…!
AND/OR A REGIONAL OR NATIONAL GAME…!
AND NOTHING ELSE!
…IT WAS JUSTIFIED TO KICK OFF HALF OF THE LEAGUE’S GAMES AT THE SAME TIME…!
SINCE ONE OR TWO AT A TIME…!
WAS THE MOST ANY FAN ACROSS THE COUNTRY COULD HAVE BEEN OFFERED!!
“That’s right! Back then it didn’t matter as much. But now that you could go to a sports bar or have the sports bar in your home…”
YES…! TIMES HAVE CHANGED…!
SO GET WITH THE PROGRAM NFL…!
AND ALTER YOUR PROGRAMMING!!
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD…!
AT LEAST PAY BACK JOHN MADDEN FOR ALL HIS YEARS OF SERVICE…!
AND STAGGER THE GAMES…!
SO HE DOESN’T HAVE HIS AWESOME TV SETUP GOING SO FULL THROTTLE ALL AT ONCE!!
****
…AND TO THE FANS WHO WOULD BE AGAINST SUCH AN NEW SCHEDULE DYNAMIC…!
ALL I CAN WONDER IS…!
HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY FOCUS ON 8+ GAMES AT ONCE…?!
I’D LOVE TO KNOW!!
…AND GIVE ME YOUR REASONS WHY YOU’D BE AGAINST IT!
“Case closed!”
Just about…
…but there’s one final thought…
****
You know how a Sun-night game can be flexed…?
In WEEK 17…
when DIVISIONS and WILD CARDS STILL HANG IN THE BALANCE…!
ALL SATURDAY AND SUNDAY GAME TIMES CAN BE FLEXED…!
AND ANNOUNCED IMMEDIATELY AFTER WEEK 16 IS IN THE BOOKS…!
TO AVOID AS MUCH ‘PACKING IT IN WITH NOTHING TO PLAY FOR’ AS POSSIBLE!!
WHENEVER POSSIBLE…!
…AS MANY TEAMS THAT WOULD NEED HELP TO GAIN A PLAYOFF BERTH…!
AND WOULD OTHERWISE BE SCOREBOARD WATCHING…!
PLAY FIRST!!!
Okay VOR… we’re done here!”
“As much as I like to, it’s hard to argue this one 3D.”
THEN LET’S MOVE ON TO THE…!
“NEXT!!”
****
COMNG SOON: #92 THERE’S NO POINT
#94. A GOAL POST!
Coming soon!
#95. IT’S CURTAINS FOR YOU!
Coming soon!
#96. THE FIELDTURF ISN’T ALWAYS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE!
Coming soon!
#97. START THE CART!
This next topic has been an annual head scratcher…
a conundrum… a riddle… a quandary… a…
“A whodunit?!”
Well… not really…
“Oh, you already know who did da whodunit? Was it Houdini?”
…
…
Uuuuhh… heh?
“Stop yer stallin’! Was it or wasn’t it Harry Houdini who did da whodunit?!”
Uh… whooooooa… and suuuuuure… Blame it on a dead guy.
“Aha! Blame IT?! What’sssss IT?!”
…
…
I dunno.
“Well, good luck tryin’ to catch him. He’s a slippery fella.”
Like I said… suuuuuure… So… Back to the topic…
Whichever extreme you teeter on the teeter-totter when it…
“Was it Peter’s Papa Teeter whose tot teetered about the teeter-totter?!”
…
Oh brother. His needle is stuck. Let’s get this over with…
Buuuutt… was Peter’s Papa Teeter’s tot eating tasty tater tots on top of the teeter-totter?
“No, moron. Peter’s Papa Teeter totally don’t allow tater tot eatin’ on top a-da teeter-totter.”
So what you’re saying… is… that… Peter and the tot are brothers?
…
…
…
Okay VOR, blink before your eyes cross.
…
…
“Whoa, good advice 3D. But now why do I smell smoke?”
…
…
Why are you smelling your cap…? Uuuhh… May I continue…?
“Go on witchya not-so-bad self. I’m goin’ to stick my head in the freezer for a few seconds.”
Why…?
“‘Cause any longer and I’ll get brain freeze or at least freezer brain-burn ya dodo.”
No, I meant… wait… brain freeze? Don’t you have to have a… a…
“A ‘what’?!”
Uh… a… a timer… to see how long your head’s been in there?
“All I gotta do is count to ten, Stein-to-the-Ein! If I run outta fingers, I got toes for backup.”
…
…
So…!
Whether you’re of the ILK…
who EMBRACES each PIECE of HUMANITY… that PUZZLES TOGETHER an NFL PLAYER’S MAKEUP…
from INSIDE the UNIFORM… to UNDER the HELMET…
…From MEMORIZING a distinct feature on their FACE…
to KNOWING their BIRTH TIME and PLACE…
…From FOLLOWING their every OFFERING on SOCIAL MEDIA…
to having CONTRIBUTED to their WIKIPEDIA…
“What’d I miss? Sounds like you got green eggs and ham goin’ on in here.”
OR…!
You BALANCE the APPARATUS from the TOTTER SIDE…
and you CONSIDER the NAMES on the back of EVERY JERSEY…
to be NOTHING MORE than SEPARATE BRANDS…
OPERATING in ATHLETIC UNISON… UNDER the UMBRELLA of your CHOSEN AFFILIATION…
“…ella… ella… ella…”
…
…
“Jus’ sayin’… or sing-songin’.”
YOUR TYPE envisions each MOVING PART on the FIELD…
as a CARICATURE…
RANGING in CARTOONISH SIMILARITY from BULLDOZER to GAZELLE…
from MECHANICALLY POWERFUL to GUMBY GRACEFUL…
from FLESHY to MUSCLEBOUND…
or any COMBO… MIX… BLEND of the above…
Each BRAND its own RARE ENTITY of…
SIZE, STRENGTH and SPEED…
…And whether your THRONE is a STADIUM SEAT… or your COMFORTABLE HOME RECLINER…
YOUR TYPE BELIEVES…!
an NFL GAME… EXISTS FOR YOUR…! YOUR…! YOUR…! ENTERTAINMENT ONLY…!
and you PERCEIVE these GAMEDAY PERFORMANCES…
as NOTHING…! MORE…!
than a MEANS…! to FEED…! your GLUTTONOUS NEED…! for VICTORY GREED!!
“Aha! Sam I Am musta done da whodunit! Harry’s off the hook.”
…
So to drive this setup home…
“It’s about time. And not that you ever take the fastest route back. Jus’ sayin’… this time without the sing-songin’.”
…
Whether you TRULY… GENUINELY… SINCERELY… CARE…!
about the PLAYER who REPRESENTS your TEAM’S UNIFORM…
or you’re LAUNDRY-CENTRIC… that is, you…
ROOT FOR THE UNIFORM…! RE…! GARD…! LESS…! WHO WEARS IT…!
“And it’s like you’re always gettin’ stuck in traffic — on purpose!”
EACH SIDE…!
HAS ENOUGH AT STAKE…!
TO FEEL AS…!
EQUALLY IMPASSIONED…!
AS THEIR COUNTERPARTS…!
WHEN IT COMES TO…!
AN INJURED PLAYER ON THE FIELD!!!
“So this is about how two sides react to a player on the fritz? Let’s have a ‘for instance’.”
Sure…
One side would react to typical game action like this…:
’STAY SAFE…!’
‘GET DOWN…!’
‘DON’T GET HURT…!’
‘LEAVE MY BABY ALONE…!’
“Like a worrywart of a mother at her son’s first high school game!”
Exactly…!
And when there IS an injury… no matter how minor…
SCREAMS and GASPS ABOUND!
“Uh oh, Mom’s gonna freak out!”
That’s right… Fans like Mom prioritize by thinking…
Safety first… Safety second… Safety… well, you see where this is going… Right VOR…?
…
…
VOR…
“What…?”
You see where this is going, right?
“Yeah, the mom’s kid scored a safety. Big whoop — two points. I’ll be impressed when he’s pick sixin’ some scores.”
…
Glad to see you’re paying attention.
“Sure. Sure. I’ll focus even better when I figure out why there’s a hole on top of my cap.”
…
…
On the other end… others react to an injury… with similar intensity… but…
with… little… to… no…
COMPASSION…!
LIKE THEIR ‘INVESTMENT’…!
HAS JUST BETRAYED THEM…! IN A NUMBER OF WAYS…!
Like…:
‘THERE GOES MY FANTASY SEASON…!’
‘I CAN’T BELIEVE MY TEAM WASTED A 2ND ROUND PICK ON THIS STIFF…!’
‘GET UP YOU BUM…!’
‘THERE GOES THIS MONTH’S MORTGAGE PAYMENT…!’
“Where you goin’ with this teeter-totter tater head?”
WHERE I’M GOING WITH THIS IS…!
WHERE I JUST WENT WITH IT!!
…I’M TAKING TWO VASTLY DIFFERENT APPROACHES…!
TWO POLAR OPPOSITE REACTION TYPES…!
TO AN INJURED PLAYER ON THE FIELD…!
AND POINTING OUT…! THAT BOTH SIDES…!
ARE DARNED NEAR EQUALLY EMOTIONALLY INVESTED…!
TO SEE THAT INJURED PLAYER GET TENDED TO…!
PROPERLY!!!!
AND IF EACH OPPOSITE END IS FULL OF FERVOR…!
THEN SO MUST BE…!
EVERYBODY IN BETWEEN!!
“Or the teeter-totter wouldn’t balance! Adding one tater tot on either side would flip Peter’s Papa’s teeter-totter!”
Well… sure! Why not!
“Case closed on the whodunit!”
Really…? You thought I was agreeing with…?
“Whatta ya mean?! Are you trying to tell me that Peter’s Papa…?!”
No! No! What am I thinking?! You solved the whodunit VOR! Brain chill and all!
“Lucky for this mystery, I was able to count to ten.”
SO THERE IT IS…!
BY DEDUCTIVE REASONING…!
EVERY FAN HAS A SELFLESS…! OR SELFISH…! OR SOMEWHERE-IN-BETWEEN MIX OF THE TWO…!
…EMOTION-LADEN APPROACH…! AN AGENDA FOR AN INJURED PLAYER…!
THEY HAVE AN EMOTIONAL CONNECTION TO…!
TO BE TENDED TO AS EXPEDITIOUSLY AS POSSIBLE!
AND SINCE TEAM OWNERSHIP SHOULD BE…!
ABSOLUTELY…! NO…!! DIFFERENT…!!!
WHY DOESN’T THE NFL…?!
SIMPLY…?!
…
…
START THE BLEEPIN’ CART?!?!
…
…
WHY ARE PLAYERS THAT GET INJURED AFTER A PLAY…?!
OFTEN HOBBLING OR LIMPING TO THE SIDELINE…?!
WITHOUT ASSISTANCE?!?! AND…!
WHY DOESN’T THE TEAM’S MEDICAL STAFF…?!
DRIVE…?!
INSTEAD OF…
SPRINT…?!
UPON BEING GIVEN THE GO-AHEAD…
TO MAKE THE TREK TO TEND TO THE DISTRESSED PLAYER?!
“You didn’t have a better topic to rant about?”
EXACTLY…! I FEEL THE SAME WAY…!
I WOULD MUCH RATHER MOVE ON TO ADDRESS THE UPCOMING…!:
CONTINUING PROBLEMS WITH GOALPOSTS…! (#94)
THE SO VERY OUTDATED T-FORMATION…! (#83)
THE DEPTH AND GENIUS IN ONE, HARSH AND BLUNT COMMENT MADE BY BUDDY RYAN DECADES AGO…! (#88)
THE ABSOLUTE ABSURDITY OF HOW A CURRENT RULE…!
ALLOWS A QB TO SCORE POINTS FOR HIS TEAM BY THROWING AN INTERCEPTION…! (#89)
…AND I’D RATHER SOONER THAN LATER GET TO…!
THE UNDER-UTILIZED PUMP FAKE…! (#57)
THE MANY LAYERS OF NONSENSE REGARDING ‘INTENTIONAL GROUNDING’…! (#60)
THE MAGIC OF 32…! (#43)
“Why didn’t you make that topic #32?”
…
…
Darn it!
…AND FURTHER DOWN THE LINE, GET TO…!:
THE CONTINUED RIDICULOUSNESS OF OVERTIME RULES…! (#3)
and get a load of this one…:
HOW A REFEREE’S ATHLETIC ABILITY CAN BE THE DIFFERENCE…!
WHETHER A TEAM WINS A SUPER BOWL OR NOT!! (#4)
“Whoa. I definitely gotta hear about that one.”
SO WHILE I WISH THIS ISSUE TO BE A NON-ISSUE…!
AND BE SWEPT UNDER THE RUG…!
IT MUSN’T BE…! BECAUSE…!
GAME IN AND GAME OUT…! FOR DECADES…!
PLAYER INJURIES ON THE FIELD…!
HAVE BEEN INEFFICIENTLY HANDLED!!
…AND BY THE WAY…!
WHAT IS IT ABOUT THE RAMPANT EGO IN THE NFL…?!
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY CASES…?! (#100 HASH MARKS THE SPOT and more to follow)
WHERE HUMANS ARE PERMITTED TO STRUGGLE TO DO JOBS…?!
THAT MACHINES CAN DO MUCH MORE EFFICIENTLY…?!?!
THERE ARE…
“That’s pretty racist Triple D.”
…
…
HEH…?
“Yeah. Sounds like you got beef with the human race. Humans are people too, ya know. Your sensitivities to the struggles of humanity seem unhumanly inhumane.”
…
…
Uuuuuuhhh… HEH?!
…
…
Oh, I see what you… No, I’m only trying to… I meant that… ya know… it’s… well… it’s all about… uh…
“There, there now. See? You’re strugglin’ likes the rest of us from this planetarium. You are a human, and I, a fella, a fellow and a fellow human, am here for you.”
…
Really?
“Not really. I think my head needs a few more seconds in the freezer. I’ll be back.”
…
…
AND THEN…!
WHEN MAKING THE FIRST ATTEMPT…!
TO PUT ANY WEIGHT ON AN INJURED… ANKLE…! KNEE…! HIP…! ETC…!
WHEN VENTURING TO THE SIDELINE BECOMES AN OVERWHELMING STRUGGLE…!
WHEN IT’S OBVIOUS AGONY FOR THE INJURED PLAYER…!
HE EITHER ATTEMPTS TO MAKE THE OFTEN ALL-TOO-SLOW JOURNEY TO THE SIDELINE…!
OR HE MAY…! EVENTUALLY…!
BE ASSISTED TO THE SIDELINE…!
BY THESE TWO OR FEW SPRINTING MEDICAL STAFFERS…!!
WHO SHOULD HAVE REALIZED TO SIMPLY…!
START…! THE…!! CART!!!
…AND DOESN’T IT LOOK RIDICULOUS WHEN TWO GUYS COMBINED…!
OFTEN BARELY EQUAL THE WEIGHT OF THE PLAYER THEY’RE ATTEMPTING TO CARRY?!
“Yeah, that’s hilarious! One time it looked like they almost get lost in this player’s armpits. It looked like the player had crutches with moving feet on the bottom. Silly humans. See 3D? ‘Silly humans’ is playful — not racist.”
Whatever.
SO AS ENTERTAINING AS IT MAY BE…! FOR SOME TO WATCH THE STRUGGLE…!
OF TWO 160 LBERS HELPING A 350 LB LINEMAN OFF THE FIELD…!
…IS THAT SMIDGEN OF ENTERTAINMENT VALUE FOR A SELECT FEW…?!
WORTH A MULTIPLE MINUTE GAME DELAY FOR ALL?!
“The human crutches with feet definitely was!”
SO, I SUGGEST…!
JUST…!
START…!!
THE CART!!!
“What is this ‘cart’ you speak of?”
An AWESOME… FULLY CUSTOM CART…! AN UPDATED VERSION OF THE MODEL THEY USE NOW…!:
…FULLY STOCKED…! LONGER…! WIDER…! SMOOTHER RIDING…! COMFORTABLE YET PRACTICAL…! COVERABLE LIKE A CONVERTIBLE…!
“Sounds like the NFL’s version of the Pope-mobile.”
…AS SOON AS A REFEREE DETERMINES A PLAYER IS DOWN…!
HE BLOWS HIS WHISTLE…!
LET’S THE PLAYER KNOW THAT MEDICS ARE ON THE WAY…!
AND SIMPLY SUMMONS THE CART TO THE FIELD!
JUST LOOK AT ALL THE BENEFITS FOR THE…!
INJURED PLAYERS…! NON-INJURED PLAYERS…! COMPASSIONATE FANS…! SELF-SERVING FANS…! EVEN THE MEDICS…!:
“Don’t forget about the degenerates.”
VOR…!
“What?! All I’m saying is that money that’s set aside for mortgage payments shouldn’t be messed with because of a hunch.”
Well… can’t argue with that advice… SO…! FIRST…!:
BECAUSE THE MEDICS WOULD GET TO THE INJURED PLAYER FASTER BY DRIVING INSTEAD OF RUNNING…!
THE INJURED PLAYER GETS MORE IMMEDIATE MEDICAL ATTENTION!
AND…!
THE MEDICS DEFINITELY WON’T BE OUT OF BREATH TO DO THEIR VITAL JOB IF THEY’RE OUT OF SHAPE…!
AND…!
THE INJURED PLAYER NOW HAS TRANSPORTATION…!
…HE DOESN’T HAVE TO HOBBLE OR LIMP TO THE SIDELINE, POTENTIALLY RISKING FURTHER DAMAGE TO THE INJURY!
AND…!
THE PLAYERS READY TO RESUME PLAY DON’T HAVE TO STAND AROUND AS LONG AND TIGHTEN UP!
AND…!
THE GAME RHYTHM AND MOMENTUM GETS LESS AFFECTED!
AND…!
THE GAME WON’T LAST AS LONG…!
AS FANS AND VIEWERS WOULD BE SPARED TO SIT THROUGH AN UNNECESSARY EXTENDED DELAY!!
…AND WHAT’S THE DOWNSIDE…?! A FALSE ALARM…?!
…THE INJURED PLAYER ABRUPTLY GETS TO HIS FEET AND DOESN’T NEED THE CART…? SO BLEEPIN’ WHAT!
THE CART…! SIMPLY DRIVES BACK TO THE SIDELINE!!
“But if the ref called the cart because the player was down, doesn’t the player have to sit out a play even if he’s okay.”
You are correct VOR. SO NOW…! THAT PLAYER HAS A RIDE TO THE SIDELINE…!
HE’S SPARED ONE LEG OF THE ROUND TRIP TO RETURN TO THE FIELD!!
…HE SAVES SOME FUEL IN HIS TANK BY HITCHIN’ A RIDE!!
“You’re goin’ ballistic. I think you should try the freezer thing to cool off a little.”
Nah, I’m okay. I can keep it goi…
“CART! CART! HEY KITCHEN! START THE BLEEPIN’ CART!”
Good one…
Now, while such an implementation would work great for sprained ankles… knee injuries… cramps, etc….
of course… more severe injuries like concussions… or neck injuries… would require more attention.
BUT AT LEAST…!
THE CART WILL ARRIVE FASTER IN THOSE CASES TOO!
… AND FOR MANY OF THE MORE MINOR INJURIES THAT TAKE PLACE, THE GAME CAN BENEFIT…!
IN AT LEAST ALL THE ABOVE WAYS!
WHY IS THIS SO COMPLICATED…?! OBSERVE HOW SIMPLE THIS CAN BE…:
DRIVE OUT…!
THE PLAYER ENTERS OR IS ASSISTED ONTO THE CART…!
DRIVE BACK TO THE SIDELINE…!
WHILE ALREADY TENDING TO THE INJURED PLAYER!!
And if you want it spoon-fed, sounding like a classic nursery rhyme…:
CART BE READY…!
CART BE QUICK…!
“Cart jump out to the injured player at CANDLESTICK!”
That’d be perfect if Candlestick was still around, but that’s definitely the gist.
“Nah, perfect would be if we got some stage time for ‘nimble’.”
Even so, I think we got the point across…
So why isn’t this always done…?
IS THERE NOT SUFFICIENT BUDGET FOR SUCH A CART…?!
…
…
…
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
“BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
“That was a good one, 3D.”
Yeah… Tee-hee… thanks for sharing a laugh with me VOR.
“Okay, Mayor McSappy, move it along.”
A-hem. Right…!
THE ONLY RATIONALE I COULD MUSTER…!
FOR THE NFL NOT IMPLEMENTING A MORE EFFICIENT SYSTEM…!
SUCH AS THE ONE JUST PROPOSED…!
WOULD BE THE DEEP-SEEDED… THE WIDELY PERCEIVED…!
‘ROUND-THE-CLOCK… KNOW-NO-LIMITS… NO-REVENUE-STREAM-TOO-POLLUTED-TO-DIVE-IN…
GREEDY GREENBACK GRAB!!
…
IS THE NFL’S SEEMINGLY LOOK-THE-OTHER-WAY STANCE…!
REGARDING FIELD-HOBBLERS…!
REVENUE RELATED…?!
IS IT ALL ABOUT SQUEEZING IN SOME ADDITIONAL TV COMMERCIALS?!
IF SO…!
WHY DOES THERE SEEM TO BE AN ANNUAL DISCUSSION…?!
ON WAYS TO SHORTEN GAMES?!
HEY NFL…!
FIND AN ALTERNATE WAY TO ADD ADS!!
GET TO AN INJURED PLAYER…! FASTER…!
FOR HIS SAKE…! THE OTHER PLAYERS’ SAKE…! FOR THE FANS’ SAKE…! FOR THE GAME’S SAKE…!
“And for Pete’s sake, NFL! Why can’t you…? Oh, hey, and for Peter’s Papa Teeter’s sake. And for the tot’s sake. And for Harry Hou—”
Nope! Gotta go… Gotta go…! GOTTA GO!!
“Hey, finally a quick ride home. Oh, I get it. You musta got lost.”
Let’s just say, however we get to wherever we end up…
we’ve got a long way to go!
So time to move on from speed bumps disguised as mysteries like… ‘who done ate… Houdini’s… donut?’
“Hey, great question! Let’s go check by the teeter-totter!”
HIT IT VOR!
“NEEEEEEXT!
****
COMING UP: #96 THE FIELDTURF ISN’T ALWAYS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE.
#98. TANKS A LOT SIR CHARLES!
Coming soon!
NFL 101 